How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
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*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Favourite diary entry ever
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”