I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
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Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
No Google it does not
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My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
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Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
and this one
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“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
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REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant