[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
You Might Also Like
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
welp
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you