“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Rather alarming headline…
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I hate when that happens.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I know this now 😂
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.