My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.