My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
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I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.