Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
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how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
My love language is hissing.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama