I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
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It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
@funTweeters
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
me irl
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.