Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
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My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Snapes on a plane.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.