Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Every work meeting this week
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
dads on road-trips be like
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.