INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
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To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
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A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
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Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
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Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
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Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
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Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
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