The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March