[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
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One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I have a new favorite meme page
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
😭😭😭
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Saw your ex at the shops
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.