[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

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[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
– Fish


You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.


I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.


Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”


HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd


I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.


What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.


Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.