Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
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[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”