Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
You Might Also Like
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
dutch so unserious
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]