Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
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Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
LOL
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.