Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
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“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I hope this email finds you in a well