My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
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[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
wtf management?!
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out