If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
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Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
That’s not how days work.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.