Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
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stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.