Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
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Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Oops
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.