Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
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Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Legend 🤣🤣
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
How can I say no to this ?