What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
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Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Just a bush.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
How animals would run if they were human
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong