The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
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The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.