@osigat

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

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@kentgrossarth

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

@jwoodham

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

@QwertyJones3

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

@HandyJack420

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

@savagehippy

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

@WilliamAder

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

@TheTweetOfGod

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

@Hormonella

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.