My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*