My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.