My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

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I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.


Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?


Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown


My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday


I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.


Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.


Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.


If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.