My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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Can Happiness buy money?
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
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If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.