Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
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People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
The most important meal of the day is the next one
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes