This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
You Might Also Like
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day