🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
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I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Welcome to the stomach
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Are you ok, human???
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*