Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
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7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.