How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
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Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.