Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
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Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.