Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
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How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.