If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
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You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
How funny!
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Never mess with a drunken pig.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight