The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
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1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
“What movie?” 🤔
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?