I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.