I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
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Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
kids play hide and seek like
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”