I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
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I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.