Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
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captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
#ProTip
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them