You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Why am I like this?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.