People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
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I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
multitasking lunch
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed