customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
*sewing*
A thread
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.