Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
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Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.