Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the