I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

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A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.


I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait


[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?


Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.


God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?


Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero