@Darlainky

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

@PanettaSexyTime

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

@shanethevein

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

@biorhythmist

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

@djdarrellripley

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

@Lottie_Poppie

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

@DothTheDoth

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

@Reverend_Scott

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.