I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
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Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Made something I’m not proud of
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”