I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

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Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”


What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?


I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.


“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.


Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…


My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here


I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.


Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”


“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.