@XplodingUnicorn Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
@Darlainky I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@PanettaSexyTime What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
@shanethevein I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
@GeorgeTakei And that about sums it up.
@biorhythmist “What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
@djdarrellripley Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
@Lottie_Poppie My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
@ChrisStephensMD (to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
@DothTheDoth I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
@Reverend_Scott [school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.