[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
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My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?