My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Not even remotely sorry.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I am, perchance