this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
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this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram