Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
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earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
A family that plays together cheats.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
God has abandoned us.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Somebody’s lying.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.