accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
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[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard