My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
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We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them