Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
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Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.